Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning