You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.