Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
