YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section