It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.