I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
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When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.