If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
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Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.