He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.