She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.