You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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