Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...