he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty