just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
