Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.