Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
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I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos