Texts From Last Night

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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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  (304): Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day. http://tfl.nu/phv5
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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  (276): I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences. http://tfl.nu/f9jw
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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  (269): Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer." http://tfl.nu/35qp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?

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  (508): its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right? http://tfl.nu/koz9
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  (650): View more from California

  I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.

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  (650): I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina. http://tfl.nu/1mmo
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  (510): View more from California

  He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?

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  (510): He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing? http://tfl.nu/wg1w
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

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  (406): Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick. http://tfl.nu/xla1
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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  (816): He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock. http://tfl.nu/m79f
  Replies (5) Good night (2166) Bad night (478)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

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  (206): She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level? http://tfl.nu/kfzw
  Replies (4) Good night (1489) Bad night (488)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar

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  (614): I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar http://tfl.nu/g47h
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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  (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.

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  (406): He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana. http://tfl.nu/b27k
  Replies (9) Good night (2681) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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  (732): i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up. http://tfl.nu/3kb7
  Replies (21) Good night (3953) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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  (812): I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me. http://tfl.nu/jath
  Replies (6) Good night (2768) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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  (240): I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy http://tfl.nu/3nw9
  Replies (3) Good night (735) Bad night (3132) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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  (646): but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered http://tfl.nu/sriz
  Replies (8) Good night (3089) Bad night (544)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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  (865): Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class http://tfl.nu/k0s2
  Replies (23) Good night (4232) Bad night (1184)
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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  (315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry" http://tfl.nu/cwet
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  well, dont

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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  (720): So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face. (970): well, dont (720): I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it. http://tfl.nu/lbqb
  Replies (32) Good night (5787) Bad night (532)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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  (405): The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it. (405): And before you ask they are unrelated purchases. http://tfl.nu/nz1r
  Replies (14) Good night (2420) Bad night (270)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  i flashed his best friends last night

  (1-416): View more from Toronto

  you always were good at making good first impressions

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  (416): i flashed his best friends last night (1-416): you always were good at making good first impressions http://tfl.nu/b564
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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  (940): Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever. http://tfl.nu/989r
  Replies (18) Good night (5362) Bad night (1408) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet

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  (914): my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet http://tfl.nu/lao3
  Replies (55) Good night (2451) Bad night (4676) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.

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  (925): no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes. http://tfl.nu/3pwk
  Replies (13) Good night (5335) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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  (804): Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting http://tfl.nu/9m8j
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that

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  (225): I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that http://tfl.nu/lb4l
  Replies (13) Good night (2298) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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  (973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43
  Replies (4) Good night (3511) Bad night (630)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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  (970): But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/821r
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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  (215): Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places. http://tfl.nu/tyy2
  Replies (4) Good night (2668) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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  (616): he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing http://tfl.nu/m3tl
  Replies (8) Good night (1896) Bad night (611)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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  (303): Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life. http://tfl.nu/83b6
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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  (859): It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face. http://tfl.nu/gh9q
  Replies (9) Good night (806) Bad night (2001)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.

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  (216): The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first. http://tfl.nu/lmqj
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

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  (256): So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen. http://tfl.nu/ty3k
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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  (850): We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out? http://tfl.nu/dwkr
  Replies (8) Good night (2978) Bad night (534)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.

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  (902): he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised. http://tfl.nu/s19u
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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  (516): Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko. http://tfl.nu/dtru
  Replies (9) Good night (2200) Bad night (730)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

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  (859): you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so. http://tfl.nu/9261
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  (646): View more from New York

  Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

  (646): View more from New York

  The facepaint not the blacking out

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  (646): Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit (646): The facepaint not the blacking out http://tfl.nu/pnw5
  Replies (6) Good night (2621) Bad night (485)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  and you succeeded.

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  (919): The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk. (1-919): and you succeeded. http://tfl.nu/9cm4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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  (727): and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos http://tfl.nu/qrbd
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