When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.