Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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