I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...