But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?