If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she told me i tasted like america
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.