I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
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Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.