I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.