I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.