apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow