i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to jail i love you