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I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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