Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE