She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...