What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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