I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist