Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.