Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is Oprah even human
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.