Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.