my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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