She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?