he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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