Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.