so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i can juggle bunnies
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.