Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"