They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location