the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
