He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.