Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone