Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
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i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.