i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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