HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Plan B is the new Plan A
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you