When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me