I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
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i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"