I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am