I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you will always have a special place in my vag
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Be still, my beating vagina.